


Bridezilla-by-Proxy

by catisacat



Series: Yvette and her Boys [3]
Category: Borderlands
Genre: F/F, M/M, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 18:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6089962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catisacat/pseuds/catisacat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yvette helps Rhys and Vaughn plan their wedding but has machinations of her own as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Is that a Threat or a Promise?

**Author's Note:**

> Ah yes, my addiction, writing Gayperion with an aggressive focus on Yvette.
> 
> No idea what this'll be rated by the end but I figure Teen will cover it for now.

It wasn’t long before Rhys and Vaughn started to regret their offer to let Yvette be in charge of their wedding.

Vaughn couldn’t give less of a crap what the ceremony was going to be like so Yvette’s questions were just like a constant, annoying buzzing in his ear. After about the third day he briefly weighed the benefits of shoving the pencil she was jabbing at him into his ear until he could blissfully hear only eternal silence.

Rhys wasn’t helping. While he’d initially thought he wouldn’t be terribly invested in the details this proved to be incredibly wrong. Despite his previous claim that he’d let her handle all of it he ended up constantly hawking over her, giving his opinion and whining when he didn’t get his way. Why did everything have to be weird half pinstripes with this guy?

Currently the three were trapped in Rhys’ office, him and Yvette arguing over color scheme. Vaughn was staring at the ceiling and pretending to be literally anywhere else.

“Look, it’s my company’s colors and also my favorite color,” Rhys said, holding up the color swatches. Teal, red and white.

Yvette countered, holding black, orange and yellow, “Well guess what you don’t wear. Your company’s colors.”

“That looks likes Bloody Harvest!”

“It’s what YOU wear, idiot,” Yvette said, grabbing at the edge of his jacket.

Meanwhile Vaughn was very, very slowly spinning around in Rhys’ office chair, leaning it back as far as possible. Thankfully the high back just meant the crunched up accountant just harmlessly oscillated. He wondered if he made it fall over backwards if the arguing would stop.

He wasn’t allowed to chase this thought for long before he was addressed in unison by the two, “Vaughn, what do you think?”

“... what?”

He nearly fell out of the chair as Yvette grabbed it abruptly, spinning him around. He tried to look at least a little guilty that he hadn’t been listening. It failed.

“The colors, Vaughn. Which ones do you like?” she asked, holding up her own fistful of hues.

“I like green,“ he answered dumbly, not even vaguely aware of what options were on the table.

“Vaughn! Pay attention!”

“Hey, uh, teal’s technically kinda green. So I win,” Rhys said, smirking as he leaned up against the desk. Yvette curled a lip as he crossed his arms and looked victoriously at her.

“No! Vaughn. These or those!” she nearly yelled, pointing at the two sets of colors.

He groaned, letting his spine succumb to gravity as his forehead banged on the desk. He lazily lifted an arm to point at Rhys. The other man rejoiced, Yvette groaned.

“You always take his side,” she pouted, tossing the fistful of swatches unto the desk.

“Yes. Mostly because he’s the one I’m getting married to, not you. But also partially because he can make me sleep on the couch if I don’t agree,” Vaughn smirked, rolling his head to the side to look up at her.

The second handful of colors slapped harmlessly against the back of his head before slowly drifting to the ground as Rhys protested, “Hey! I don’t do that. Unless you’re being a real dick.”

Yvette’s head shot up, “Remedied by showing him a real di-”

An explosion of color right to the face shut her up. She was dumbstruck for a second before realizing Rhys had grabbed a handful of swatches from the reject pile and chucked them at her. Within a heartbeat he retaliated, a shock of fiery colors fluttering around the squealing CEO. Vaughn finally came to life, glad to be free of pointless color debate as he nailed the both of them in the chest with some of the remaining slips of paper.

It didn’t take long for Rhys’ office to become a confetti cannon nightmare and the three “adults” into panting, out-of-breath nerds. That was probably more physical activity than any of them had experienced in months.

Rhys rose the proverbial white flag as he managed to pick up the three relevant strips of paper off the ground before collapsing backwards, breathless over his desk. Vaughn ducked back out from underneath it, rolling over the other side and resting his head on his soon-to-be-husband’s stomach. It probably should have been weird to feel a third person squirming her way under his robotic arm but the dreadlocked head rest on his chest was maybe a little too normal.

“Alright so your ugly ass color scheme it is. Goddamn. I better not have to wear a teal dress. I look like shit in teal.”

“I was thinking red and white for the grooms… women… men… and teal for us so, no you won’t have to,” Rhys said, jostling Vaughn who was quickly falling back into a state of apathy as the wedding talk resumed.

“Yeah so what was that bullshit about me getting to plan this whole thing?”

“Okay, so maybe I have some control issues,” Rhys confessed, gesturing to his massive off with a metal hand.

“You passed ‘some’ a while ago. You’re a total control freak. Bet Vaughn loves it.”

Rhys wrapped a hand around Vaughn’s head in time to stifle his mouth but the incredibly muffled ‘Yeah I do” was still audible. As always, Yvette trilled in delight as Rhys sat up and took her with him. Her co-conspirator slid off unto the desk with a groan. Vaughn didn’t even bother rolling over to watch the all too familiar sight of Rhys manhandling her out the door of his office.

“Oh and by the way, still going through with The Plan by the way! Fiona’ll look good in red and white too. Also out of it.” Yvette said, lolling her head back to look at her best friend without a single scrap of remorse.

Rhys groaned and swung open the door. He’d almost forgotten her promise/threat to bang his best woman, “Bad Yvette. Go home.”

She deftly squirmed out of his weak grip, strutting off like she hadn’t just been kicked out of the office for the fifth time this week, “Oh no, no time to go home now. You two weren’t my only appointment today. Gotta meet with said Fiona. Gotta plan things. Bachelor parties. Also known as the only thing you’re actually letting me plan! Also Fiona’s there and I’m gonna seduce her.”

“Yeah, uh, I don’t want to know specifics. I’m not you, remember?”

“Oh don’t worry you will,” she threatened, pointing back at him from about ten feet away and counting, “Gonna leave her underwear on your desk.”

Rhys yelled after her, echoing in the empty corridor, “Oh come on!”

“Oh there’ll be something on it! Okay, gotta go, love ya, ciao,” she yelled, walking quicker as she started to get a bit more excited for her meeting in more way than one.

All she could hear was an anguished groan from Rhys as she ducked out into the general foot traffic of Atlas to find Fiona.


	2. Strippers and Cockblocking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yvette and Fiona meet to discuss bachelor party plans.
> 
> The topic turns to strippers in record time.

It didn’t take long for Yvette to locate Fiona.

The Pandorans always looked so out of place among the ex-Hyperion employees bustling around. A flash of red and gold and gritty fabric surrounded by the modern, clean business men and women stood out. In a good way, at least in Yvette’s opinion.

Fiona was fiddling around with one of the primitive ECHO devices from this planet. Yvette knew all too well how many times Rhys has tried to wrestle the damned thing from the woman. Hand her a nice, classy Atlas phone. She was having none of it, probably just to spite him.

Of course, insolence towards their mutual best friend was certainly something Yvette found very alluring about the woman.

A sharp tap on the shoulder alerted Fiona to Yvette’s presence.

The ex-Hyperion tried to look casual as she leaned on the table, “So, ready to start planning a party that will blow some nerd minds?”

“Oh, so you’re not counting yourself among the nerds now? Evolving?” Fiona replied in a heartbeat, a wicked smile sending a jolt through Yvette’s nerves. They hadn’t hung out much since the first time they really sat down and talked. The woman was hoping this would allow for ample opportunity for the two to spend plenty of time alone together.

“Just gotta leave ‘em in the dust you know?” she responded, gesturing vaguely in the direction of Rhys’ office, “Can’t let the has-beens hold me back. But for real, got any ideas?”

Fiona looked around, knowing that the Atlas employees were always looking to suck up to their savior, before making a suggestion, “Why don’t we go somewhere a little more private?”

One well plucked eyebrow shot up over her green tinted glasses.

The conwoman smacked her on the arm, “Hey, return that eyebrow to the factory default position. I just don’t want them to find out. Surrounded by the enemy, here.”

A few passersbys seemed to object to that.

It was irrelevant though as Yvette found herself following Fiona into the depths of the Atlas building.

She had to admit she wasn’t the best with directions. She couldn’t count how many times she’d had to be tracked down by Rhys and his roboarm after getting lost in some godforsaken backwaters corridor up on Helios. As they twisted through the halls she found herself in a completely foreign looking area.

Upon ducking into a seemingly random conference room Yvette made a mental note to get a map for her phone later. Maybe with enough whining she could convince Rhys to program it to show where she is.

She let that train of thought derail as Fiona sat at the head of the table, turning her ECHO device so Yvette could finally see what she’d been working on. On it were two lists, dividing the boys’ weird list of friends up.

“The problem with best friends getting married is the shared friend pool. They share pretty much 100% of their friends.”

Fiona was right. Yvette carefully examined the lists. Although she didn't want to pay her friends a compliment the list was impressive. A veritable menagerie of who's who on Pandora. She tried not to be impressed by the number of famous Vault Hunters on the list. She failed.

“How'd a pair of losers like my friends get a list like this…”

Fiona took it literally, “Hey you befriend one, you get their entire group. Athena travelled with us so we get Jack's old crew from her. Probably maybe not the most honorable connections but eh. It's kinda funny that we got the group that killed Jack too. ‘Cause of Rhys’ fanboying nonetheless.”

“Fanboying?” Yvette asked, unaware that the man ever idolized anyone other than, ugh, Jack of all people.

“Yeah you know Zer0? Looks like they need to eat like ten cheeseburgers but is also absolutely terrifying anyways? Glowing blue sword and a gun longer than they are tall? Rhys turns into a borderline squealing mess around him. It's kinda hilarious.”

Yvette laughed, “Oh my god is THAT why Vaughn always glares at them? That's the best thing anyone's ever told me in my life. Hey, how much money do you think it'd take to get Zer0 to be a stripper for a night?”

“You know, Vault Hunters will do damned near anything for money but I don't think we have the budget for stripper Zer0. Maybe one of the less secretive ones. Salvador would probably do it for free.”

Yvette cringed, shoving at Fiona, “Ew, no. I'm good. Don't want to see him half naked and gyrating. Didn't even want to say that sentence, honestly.”

Fiona's brain was already at work though, “Okay but now we totally have to ask at least.”

“Augh, no, just said I DON'T want to see that,” Yvette retorted, visibly disgusted by the mental image of stripper Sal invading her mind for the second time today. She doesn’t deserve that. She’s a moderately okay person.

“No, no, not Salvador. But we should totally see what other Vault Hunters would do it! That'd be hilarious. We gotta.”

Yvette cycled through the options for a stripper Vault Hunter for a moment before smiling, “Okay, we can definitely get one of them but we have to at least ASK Zer0.”

“Dibs on not being the one to do that. I like, you know, not having a sword in my gut. But I got an idea who to ask for Vaughn's if you're interested? They’re not super close but I’ve seen them talk a couple times.”

Yvette nodded as Fiona leaned in pointlessly to whisper, almost seeming to forget they were alone in some far off, long forgotten conference room. Her hands trapped the conwoman’s with a wide grin, “Oh yeah, they’ll definitely be down. Just gotta pick out someone for Rhys’ then. When Zer0 inevitably says no.”

“You know, for being the one trying to shove them together all those years you sure do like playing with fire, don’t you?” Fiona said, letting her hand remain prisoner.

“Oh, they ain’t gonna break up over something like that. If anything it’ll just make Vaughn clingier. Now that I think of it the only time I ever hear him switch from ‘bro’ to normal pet names is when that assassin is slinking around. Also hangs off his arm like a freaking designer manpurse. You know I’d say I was surprised about that if I hadn’t, you know. Found out a few weeks ago my best friends were dating for seven years. So clearly I need to exploit this. And sniper is only four letters from stripper.”

Fiona jabbed an elbow into her side, “You’re also curious what’s under there, aren’t you?”

“Who isn’t?” Yvette said, batting the offending limb away, “Big creepy alien… robot maybe… killer ninja. Who doesn’t wanna see under the helmet?”

“Aaaaanyone else whose ‘helmet’ you wanna see under?” the conwoman said, idly doodling on the paper in front of her. Doing a poor job of playing it cool. A very poor job. Especially considering she had not so subtly scooted the rolling chair closer to the dreadlocked woman.

Yvette cocked an eyebrow as she leaned in as well, “Well I wouldn’t call their choice in headgear a helmet but-”

Both women jumped as the door to the conference room banged open.

Evidently this room wasn’t as abandoned as they’d previously thought if the irritated business people staring at them were any indicator. Although they supposed the fact the group was headed by Rhys himself was an even bigger indicator.

His mismatched glare spoke volumes to Yvette. Volumes of ‘oh my god don’t bang her in the office.’ Volumes she wasn’t going to read. Volumes she’d pretend to be illiterate for.

“Heyyy Rhys, I’ll get out of your hai-” Yvette started as she tried to squeeze past him through the doorway, Fiona in tow.

She was stopped short by a metal arm on her upper arm as he stopped her, “Hey, person-who-is-probably-up-to-no-good. Wanna sit in a meeting held by your best buddy, Rhys?”

Yvette groaned, trying to escape by going limp to no avail, “Noooo…”

Rhys sure was extra glad he was the boss now as his whining friend had to wave goodbye to Fiona before slumping into a chair with a long, loud sigh. Quietly glowering at him over her glasses as he started the meeting.

He just silently considered it payback for the many times she’d unwittingly cockblocked him back in their college roommate days.


	3. Measuring Up to Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go to get their suits, separated and antagonized by their gaggle of girl friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, was I completely blocked on this fic for a while. Helped when I tossed out the shitty chapter I was working on and tried this instead. Anyways here's Wonderwall.

“I really don’t think that rule applies when no one’s wearing a dress,” Vaughn complained as the frigid measuring tape looped around his waist. He jerked suddenly at that, nearly elbowing the dude trying to just do his job right in the face.

Yvette waved her hand at that, “Shush. Can’t see ‘em in their dress, suit, whatever.”

“There’s not exactly a world of difference in suits and it’s not like I haven’t seen Rhys in all of them,” he said, awkwardly patting the shoulder of the seamstress’s assistant in apology.

The shorter groom hadn’t exactly been looking forward to this. Yeah, they have big and tall stores for men but not short and stocky. He had to admit he was a bit embarrassed that he had to be standing here in his underwear, getting measured because every single suit in this store pooled around his feet and fell way past his hands.

Yvette had insisted that him and Rhys get their suits separately too. Despite towering over him his boyfriend always somehow managed to make him feel better about the whole short thing. Even if it’s just something as simple as how easily and perfectly his chin could rest on top of his head. Rhys didn’t have to even lean over to accomplish that.

But alas, Vaughn was currently trapped with Yvette and Rhys has in the changing room on the other side of the store being judged by the Pandoran sisters.

Speaking of Pandora, this place looked more like a tetanus factory than a proper place to buy clothes. Vaughn knew he shouldn’t complain, it wasn’t like they were going better than this. The Children of Helios had done their best to preserve as many of the shops from the space station as they could. The wedding shop just understandably hadn’t been high on their priority list.

Not to mention this hellish planet had a way of prematurely rotting anything and everything though. The rusty hanger in Yvette’s neatly manicured hands was only the tip of the dodgy iceberg.

As least the suit hanging off it still look presentable. He idly wondered if Rhys was going to persist with the bizarre half pinstripes he always insisted on wearing.

\---

“Yeah, you’re not wearing that,” Fiona said, shaking her head and trying to tug the asymmetrical pinstriped suit jacket off him.

Rhys stiffened his shoulders and tried to pull away, “I always wear suits like this!”

“And you’d finally reduced it to just your pants, we thought you were breaking free from the douchey habit. Do we need to have a shitty pinstripe intervention?” she replied as she deftly pulled the jacket off and tossed it to her sister who twisted her face into a grimace.

“Tacky,” Sasha simply replied as she tossed it into the growing makeshift reject pile.

Rhys shot her a look.

“She’s right, Hyperion fashion is super, super tacky,” Fiona said, refusing to pay the dirty look any mind as she effortlessly jerked down the matching pants.

\---

Vaughn’s changing room was on the opposite side of the establishment from his fiance and the sisters but he still heard the shocked yell from Rhys as Fiona pantsed him.

Yvette laughed, “What are they doing over there? Are we not having enough fun with this?”

“Oh I’m just having a blast,” Vaughn muttered sarcastically as the sleeves were pinned around his wrists. He didn’t particularly enjoy having seen how many times it had to be folded to free his hands.

His friend was ignoring him and looking at the selection of ties available, “That’s because you look for things to be irritated about. It’s like your own personal national sport.”

“It would help if everything wasn’t so annoying,” he mumbled as the seamstress’ assistant left again.

He flinched as the tall woman threw a tie around his neck, “Come on, things aren’t that bad. Honestly? You should be happy and I kinda don’t get why you aren’t. I haven’t been able to wrestle shit out of you about your feelings because you’re a boy and stupid-”

“If I’m so stupid how come you always had me do your taxes every year?” he said with a smirk, knowing full well he was the smarter of the two of them. Probably the three of them. Book smart, at least.

“Shush, whatever, just because you’re a guy then,” she mumbled giving his neck an unpleasant squeeze with the tie before tying it normal, “But seriously, I kinda got the vibe that you liked Rhys long before he liked you.”

Vaughn was quiet. Boys. Augh.

Yvette rolled her eyes and continued as she patted down the teal tie, “Silence means yes.”

Now Vaughn was quiet and also glaring up at her.

“Don’t give me that look, it’s a good thing. You’re getting a happy ending. Wait, that sounds like you’re gonna die… or get a dodgy handjob in a less than reputable massage parlor… Whatever, you know what I mean, you win. You got the guy, roll credits, live happily ever after.”

He averted his eyes but he was definitely smiling now, that dorky one he only got when he was thinking about Rhys. Yvette’s grew to match.

He mumbled something.

“What?”

He mumbled again, barely loudly.

“Don’t talk into your chest, I can’t hear shit when you do that.”

“I said you’re right Yvette,” he groaned, leaning his head back in a futile attempt to dodge the haughty laughter.

It subsided into giggles, “Ohhhh I love dragging those words out of you guys. It gives me life.”

“Are you an energy vampire or something?” he quipped to her confusion.

“What?”

“Because you suck.”

\---

Back to Rhys a few minutes ago, agitatedly glaring down at her even as he obediently stepped out of the pants, “Fiona! What if my underwear came down too?”

She ignored that, grabbing a respectably pinstripe-less suit and held it out to him, “Whatever, they totally didn’t, I am the pants queen. Besides, that would have been even worse for us than for you. No one wants to see that.”

He evenly decided his glowering as Sasha chirped up, “Except for Vaughn.”

Fiona nodded, “Except for Vaughn.”

“Oh my god. Yvette in stereo. This is it, this is my personal hell. My atonement for my sins,” Rhys groaned. Was this what he got for listening to Jack and crashing Helios? Three Yvettes? 

“You know, most guys would kill to have two beautiful women teasing him and stripping his clothes off,” Sasha yelled over her shoulder, digging around in the accessory box.

He rolled his mismatched eyes, “Yeah, this situation you’re describing? Only exists on ECHOnet porn sites. At least in the fun way that ends in a threesome. This is the annoying, completely-not-sexy way that is definitely not going to end in a threesome. Also, I don’t want to ruin this marriage before it even happens so I don’t want it to.”

“So should I cancel the orgy at your bachelor party then?” Fiona said with a smirk, grabbing one of the way too expensive belts and handing it to him. Whatever material it was, it looked like those hideous boots he was wearing when they met him so he’d probably like it.

He took it, wrapping it around his waist as he sent her a cautionary glare, “I’m pretty sure you’re joking. Like a good ninety-nine percent sure. But if you’re not, yes, cancel that.”

“Unfortunately, no orgy planned. Frankly, don’t know how you set one of those up and it’s probably for the best that I don’t know something like that.”

Sasha perked up, holding out a few ties to him, “Oh, by the way, you guys don’t have a DJ yet right?”

Fiona rolled her eyes as Rhys shook his head, “No, why?”

“Welllll, I used to be one and mayyybeee I could make that be a thing again. For one night.”

Of course she was offering that, Fiona wasn’t surprised in the least. Sasha had ‘retired’ but she was always looking for excuses to strike it back up. Sometimes her sister wondered why she didn’t bother to start it up again, between their schemes.

She was equally unsurprised as Rhys accepted her offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u like this gay writing stuff, check out my gay drawing stuff at http://catisacat.tumblr.com/


	4. Dressed to Thrill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls go groomswomen dress shopping.
> 
> Also why is there literally no gender neutral wedding terms. Oh my god.

The trio of girls gathered together the next day. Now that the boys had their suits it was their turn. Picking out the bridesmaids’ dresses. Or groomswomen. Whatever. The boys don't have a lot of dude friends.

Either way, Yvette smiled as she rooted through the racks for the perfect sparkly, form-fitting red dress.

She has no particular fondness for red herself but she can certainly name a certain conwoman who looks particularly good in that hue. Said woman was also currently making the grave error of looking at teal dresses instead.

Yvette never liked that color, never understanding how Rhys always felt the need to cover himself in it. Or frankly anyone who had the misfortune of him picking out clothes for. She'd made sure Vaughn's wedding tie had been that ugly shade for maximum Rhys-appeal but she sure as hell isn't going to let Fiona get covered in it.

“What about this one?” Yvette asked as she tried to play it cool, holding out a slinky cocktail dress. She'd just plucked some random dress but it would at least get the sisters near the other red dresses and away from that awful teal.

Fiona didn’t seem to object though, quickly joining her and taking the dress in her own hands as she played with the fabric, “Little sexy, don’t you think?”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Yvette quipped with a wink, ignoring the fact she could see the other sister rolling her eyes behind her. This wasn’t the first time Sasha had had to watch dodgy women hit on her sister. Fiona had this amazing ability to attract backstabbers, murderers and other scum.

Safe to say Sasha wasn’t exactly crazy about Yvette. Frankly, she was a bit disturbed by how quickly Rhys had shrugged off the fact she’d sold him and Vaughn out.

She’d gotten into the habit of smuggling a Maliwan pistol tucked under the cloth wrapped around her waist. God, she just wished her sister had better taste in women.

“Alright, maybe I’ll try it on,” Fiona said with a wink as she handed the dress to her sister. Yvette could have sworn she saw a dark spark of anger behind the shorter woman’s eyes for a split second as their gaze locked.

Whatever lurked back there quickly hide itself as eye contact broke and she grabbed a much more conservative dress to hand to her older sister. She tried not to crinkle her nose at the color. That ugly teal. Yvette couldn’t help but feel it was a pointed jab at her.

“How about this one? Since the colors are red, teal and white and you’re Rhys’s best woman don’t you think you should go with his favorite color? Then Vaughn’s brides… grooms… women can be red.”

Yvette kept her face resolute as Fiona started to agree, “Makes sense.”

“But the boys are both wearing teal right? Isn’t it kind of like how you don’t wear white to upstage the bride? We should go with red,” Yvette said, grabbing another two dresses. She draped the pretty, silky one over Fiona’s shoulder. The second, scratchy taffeta number found its home on Sasha.

The two exchanged a tense smile as Fiona examined the two dresses, “She has a point, although I’m sure Rhys would be fine with the whole damn wedding being teal. Teal and shitty pinstripes. Whatever though, grab a bunch of red dresses. We need to give these babies a test drive.”

Sasha chirped up, “By the way, we’re not, like, the only three bridesgroomswhatever-the-fucks, right?”

Yvette nodded, tapping on her tablet a few times, “Yeah, you’re on Vaughn’s side with me. He just kinda awkwardly asked August to be one so get ready to deal with that, sorry. Janey too, mostly to even it out. She’s pretty jazzed though.”

The younger sister cringed, “For Rhys’s?”

Fiona answered, “Me, Athena, LoaderBot and Zer0.”

“Wow, Zer0 actually said yes to be a groomswhatever? Was this before or after we tried to hire them as a stripper?” Yvette said incredulously.

Sasha jerked to attention, dropping the dress in her hands to the ground, “What?!”

The two taller women locked eyes for a second before cracking up. They were serious. Oh my god. How are they still alive? Why did her sister risk laser sword beheading to try to get a weird alien robot stripper? Oh my god.

“Sooo you know how Rhys has a big ole fanboy crush on them right?” Fiona started.

“Did you seriously?” Sasha said, jaw refusing to clamp shut.

Yvette nodded, “Yuhp. Straight up asked them exactly how much it would take for them to do it. Turns out it was way too many zeroes to see Zer0. One billion dollars. I asked Rhys if we could have that much for his bachelor party and he looked at me like I was fucking crazy.”

“If you told him what the billion was to get Zer0 to be a stripper he probably would have said yes in a heartbeat,” Sasha said, snickering into her cupped hands.

“It wouldn’t have been a surprise then,” Yvette said, “But now I’m gonna tell him after the wedding once it’s too late.”

“You’re so mean,” Fiona giggled.

“I’m trying to decide if they’d be bad or good at that…” Sasha muttered half to herself.

“Sadly, it is a moot point,” Yvette lamented, glad this weird alien stripper assassin had seemed to distract the younger sister from her angry glaring. At least temporarily.

Fiona gathered up the dresses and jerked her head towards the changing room, “Anyways, let’s stop talking about our failures and get going on some successes.”

But before the three could abscond to the changing room there was sudden, loud rock music.

Sasha stopped, pulling out her phone and staring at it. Yvette noted that, while Fiona snubbed Rhys’ offers of a fancy Atlas phone, her younger sister was clutching a extremely shiny white and red device in her hands.

She scrunched up her face, “It’s from Rhys, he wants to talk to me. Like, right now.”

“Why?” The other two questioned in nigh unison.

“Oh I don’t know, probably the fact you guys asked for a billion dollars for an alien stripper assassin. I’m ninety-nine percent sure that’s what he’s going to ask me about. Because he trusts me ‘cause I don’t do shit like ask him for a billion dollars for an alien stripper assassin.”

“Well, go comfort the blushing bride then. But also maybe don’t tell him what the money was for. I’m with Yvette: surprise ruined, there’s no point. We’ll figure something else out.”

The sister nodded agreeably until Yvette spoke up, a hand creeping onto Fiona’s waist with a quirk of the eyebrow, “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Just leave it to us. We’ll find some way to enjoy the rest of this shopping adventure.”

Sasha and Yvette had a moment of awkward, slightly more-aggressive-than-entirely-necessary staring.

She knew she couldn’t control her sister or stop this situation, as much as the desperately wanted to. The loud rock song started again. Then restarted. Then restarted again. Apparently Rhys wasn’t taking “not magically appearing in front of him” as an answer.

Sasha sighed and quickly texted him back an answer, waving as she headed out the door, “Alright. I’ll… I’ll see you later, Fiona.”

She pointedly left Yvette out of her goodbye as she walked out to stop the prissy CEO’s hissy fit.

A mischievous smile crept across her face as the older sister disappeared back into the changing room with her.

\---

Yvette couldn’t help but appreciate Fiona’s complete and total lack of hesitation in piling into one changing room. Not to mention exactly how quickly she shed her layers, leaving her standing in her underwear as she examined the red dresses spread across the bench.

She had to admit said undergarments were not what she expected. Small golden bows decorated them but otherwise they were just a plain, immaculate white.

While the conwoman examined the dresses Yvette joined her in near nudity. She donned significantly more skimpy black underwear with maybe a little more of it see-through than should be. Maybe she’d picked it out specifically due to it’s lack of coverage. Yeah, originally Sasha would have been here for this but she had been ready to power through that.

A hand snaked around Fiona’s waist again as Yvette reached past her to grab a dress, “Shall we get started?”

\---

Time passed as innocently as it possibly could, circumstances taken into consideration. Largely because they really did need to pick out the dress so the boys could go and find matching suits for the all of the boys.

“You know, I realized something,” Fiona said as she adjusted the sash on the final dress.

“Hmm?”

She turned to face Yvette who was struggling into the same dress, currently gathered around her waist, “So, okay, Zer0’s a bridesgroomsmaidman whatever. Do we buy them a dress too or let the boys get them a suit?”

Yvette froze up, “I…. genuinely don’t know. Let’s just… get them one of each and they wear what they wear?”

“I guess, I mean Rhys said no to a billion dollar request but I think he can live with buying an extra outfit. Owning a company and crap. I mean, look at how much these damn dresses cost,” Fiona replied as she tugged at the price tag on the edge.

Yvette decided to politely ignore the fact they were bordering on cheap by Hyperion standards.

They were nice though anyways, form fitting with a pencil skirt. They were black and asymmetrical like so much of the fashion on Helios with the thin red stripes running down the length of them.

Fiona looked over at Yvette with a mischievous smile, “You know there’s a version of this one with the stripes only on one side.”

“No, we can’t give in to his shitty addiction.”

“It’d make him happy.”

“Fiona, no.”

“It’s his wedding.”

It wasn’t long before they left the shop with two bags full of dresses.

Fiona had only talked Yvette into the half striped ones for Rhys’ groomspeople. As long as she didn’t have to wear it herself she’d live with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can also see more of my stuff on my tumblr http://catisacat.tumblr.com/ \o/


	5. Stag Party or Skag Party?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys and Vaughn are separated and taken to their bachelor parties, although one may not be quite to their liking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the home stretch of finishing fanfics this week (An Alien Concept is nearing its end as well) and I'm powerhousing writing out the last of Bridezilla after about a month and a half hiatus. 
> 
> What I learned in boating school is "don't fucking write a fanfic about a subject you know nothing about, like planning a wedding." Also "write out chapter summaries beforehand for the love of god." But I'm not about to completely abandon a fanfic with so many subscriptions or write a shitty ending so I will preserver!
> 
> There's just a short epilogue after this chapter, I'll probably get it done tonight. If not? Tomorrow.
> 
> Also ironically I went to a wedding today? Sheer coincidence considering I'd already decided I was doing this this weekend.

Despite Rhys ending up being in charge of many of the major elements of the wedding Yvette and Fiona had been able to completely keep the bachelor parties within their grasp.

Not that that hadn’t been a struggle in its own right. Rhys has some control issues. He’d at least managed to control the date, wanting it to be the traditional night before. However, he was beginning to regret that choice though as Fiona tightly tied a blindfold over his eyes.

“Watch it, you know that goes into my brain right?” Rhys whined, hooking a metal finger under one side to stop it from shoving his port further into his skull.

“Oh, don’t be a baby,” Fiona replied, starting to push him out of the comfort and safety of his apartment.

“Oh my god, it’s not being a baby to not not want your brain stabbed!”

“Shush.”

“Look! Good things do not happen to me when I’m tied up around you.”

“You’re not tied up.”

“It’s close enough, Fiona. It’s. Close. Enough.”

\---

Vaughn on the other hand was fairly okay with being blindfolded and led around by Yvette, especially since Sasha was flanking him on the other side.

“So, do I get a hint about where we’re going?”

“Nah,” Sasha answered, giving him a shove. Or at least making a feeble attempt to.

However, Vaughn easily recognized the sounds and, well, smells of this particular Pandoran establishment, “The Purple Skag, really?”

“Hey! If you’ve got something against my bar you can take your stupid party elsewhere,” he heard August yell from about ten feet away over surprisingly quiet music, “Fuckin’ made the whole thing tasteful and shit. Who the hell has a bachelor party this calm?”

Vaughn smiled, glad he wasn’t about to be dragged into a loud, obnoxious party.

\---

Rhys, on the other hand, couldn’t hear himself think as Fiona dragged him into some thundering party before pulling off his blindfold. Ironically, the sudden flashing lights nearly blinded him for real.

He groaned as he covered them, slowly peeking out at what Fiona had set up as his eyes adjusted to the sudden assault of flashing rainbow lights.

Holy shit, it was like she’d invited the entirety of his company. Like, yeah, he could recognize most of the gyrating people crammed into the massive Atlas warehouse but it wasn’t like he could remember all their names. Or any, really. Absolutely none of them seemed to be paying him any mind, really, as they were absorbed into the throbbing din of the rave. Some more prominent figures were sprinkled in though.

LoaderBot as doing what he could only assume was “trying to dance.” It was slightly alarming to the other people trying to dance though, having bright yellow metal limbs jerking around abruptly. Plus Gortys was rolling around underfoot.

Athena was lurking by the food table, her icy glare keeping others at a generous distance from her. She just kept grazing at the table while she adamantly avoided eye contact with every other party goer.

The third person he recognized caused him immediate excitement until he realized they somehow managed to look even less comfortable with their surroundings than Athena. Zer0 looked like they were physically restraining themselves from running out the door, holding onto a glass that they appeared to have no intent to drink. If anything, they looked ready to chuck it at whoever got too close to them. They were pressed into a corner and had an even wider berth of avoidance than Athena.

Rhys decided to go with the lesser of two incredibly uncomfortable assassins as he started walking towards Athena. The crowd didn’t even seem to care the party was for him as they shot him glares as he pushed through him to approached her.

\---

Vaughn’s main party guests looked significantly less terrified, partially because of a calmer venue and partially because he mostly got the calmer people.

Aside from the slightly agitated August mixing drinks behind the bar the rest of the guests were pretty chill. Janey was bustling around as she chirped about games to play, arms full of adult board games which were frankly not going to be terribly fun until they were drunk.

As Yvette shoved a drink into Vaughn’s hands, of course she knew exactly what he was going to order after all this time, it became obvious that wasn’t going to be that far away.

\---

Rhys was also handed off a drink as he passed a server. He idly wondered, or possibly worried, that Athena was an angry drunk as he tried to casually lean against the wall next to her. Fiona was frankly delighted at his choice, practically skipping after him.

Fiona tried to play it casual, pushing her hair behind her ear as she addressed Athena, “Sooo, enjoying the party? Planned it myself. For that guy.”

“Wow, what a heartfelt sentiment from my best woman. I’m truly touched. You shouldn’t have.”

He had some vague concerns about what her best woman speech was going to be at that moment.

“It’s uh… you… really set up a party,” Athena all but stuttered out as she looked around. Loud music, flashing lights, gyrating people. To say it wasn’t her scene would be a severe understatement.

Rhys’s snort has cut painfully short by a heeled boot stabbing into his foot.

Athena didn’t seem to notice as she was preoccupied by watching a pair of Atlas interns grinding against each other particularly scandalously. Extremely preoccupied. Had they bothered to confront her she would have sworn up and down that she was just trying to read the words plastered across one of the two women’s incredibly skimpy shirts. If you could call them that.

The words were “pussy slut” if you were wondering. Clearly his employees had gotten the “tastefully skimpy” part of message Fiona had sent out loud and clear.

Rhys glared at Fiona, dangling his now injured foot. However, he was quickly distracted as he noticed Fiona had taken her own message into account as well. Granted her outfit wasn’t nearly as risque as some of the other men and women surrounding and outright ignoring them but the loose tank top still hung a little too low and the shorts were just a little too short.

He knew all too well she certainly wasn’t trying to impress him and it took only a single clunk of the gears in his head to figure out it was for Athena.

Looked away with a smirk, he wonder if maybe his best woman’s weakness for terrifying women would be Yvette’s downfall. She wasn’t exactly intimidating, maybe Fiona only has one type. Maybe he threat to bang her would be completely DOA.

Either way Athena pushed herself off the wall, starting to walk towards the exit, “I have to get going. Important mission tonight, see you tomorrow. Good luck, Rhys.”

That probably wasn’t the right way to put that. 

Right as Athena left earshot Rhys leaned over a bit to whisper to Fiona, “Hey, if you really want to get her attention you could always cut out the middle man that is ‘skimpy clothing’ and just straight up flash her.”

“Do you WANT to go to your own wedding with a black eye?”

“I’m just saying. Never underestimate the power of being straightforward.”

“She’s ENGAGED, Rhys.”

He shrugged and expertly caught the punch she aimed at him, used to her slightly too hard play punches at this stage of their friendship.

However, both felt immediate regret (and guilt, on Rhys’s end) as her fist collided with his pointy, metallic hand.

\---

August would have killed to be at Rhys’s bachelor party instead, leaning on the bar in agitation. Getting the other party members drunk really hadn’t helped. He was just mildly concerned that Vaughn was going to throw up now, based on the almost non-stop flow of cupcakes into his mouth, interrupted only by alcohol.

“This is like a bachelorette party, you guys know that right?” August complained, staring down at the obnoxiously fruit drink he was mixing for Sasha, “At least there’s less penis-shaped games and decorations and shit. It’s freaky. Just. Fuckin’ disembodied dicks everywhere.”

This was probably mostly due to the fact half of the people invited were lesbians.

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience there, buddy,” Sasha said, plucking her drink from his hand before settling back down on the barstool next to Vaughn.

“Horrible, horrible experience, Sash, fuckin’ horrible.”

August didn’t elaborate and they didn’t ask.

“It’s not a party for you, August, it’s for Vaughn,” Yvette said, pinching his cheek to his extreme irritation, “And somebody hates big crowds and loud noises. Hence it’s just the four of us. Maybe soon to be the five of us.”

August perked up at that, “What, didja guys actually get a stripper?”

“Wow, don’t get too excited there,” Yvette laughed, ignoring the shocked look Vaughn was giving her, “But maybe someone who doesn’t terribly like clothing will be showing up at some point. The bachelor doesn’t like girls though so don’t get your hopes too high. Or, uh, other parts of you.”

“I don’t got a problem with a dude stripper, I’ll get excited as I want,” August said, a bit defensively as he took a swig right out of one of the many bottles behind him.

Janey chirped up, “You were just talking about how much you didn’t want to see dicks!”

“Hey, my problem with that was the ‘disembodied’ part not the- hey, how ‘bout you just back off, ‘kay?” August snipped back.

“Ooo! Touchy!” she shot back.

They were cut off by Vaughn, “I… didn’t think you’d actually get- does Rhys hav-”

“Nah, Zer0 cost too much,” Yvette cut him off with a smirk, “So it’s just you. I doubt people will be wearing a lot of clothing at Rhys’s party either though. Just none of them designated to have none.”

He looked more than ready to object to that but it was too late as the front door to The Purple Skag banged open.

\---

“I swear to god if you weren’t getting married tomorrow I would beat the shit out of you,” Fiona hissed as Rhys helped wrap her bleeding hand in bandages.

“I already said I was sorry.”

But sorry didn’t change the fact they were sitting in a thankfully abandoned men’s room while music pounded so loud they almost couldn’t hear each other.

They sat there in an awkward silence as he finished bandaging her up.

As they exited, Rhys excitedly noticed stairs to a catwalk and veered towards it. It wasn’t like anyone had noticed he’d left in the chaos of the warehouse rave anyways. He could hang out in the rafters as much as he wanted.

Fiona followed him now that she was completely alone after Athena’s exit.

They stopped in the middle of the room, staring down at the writhing dancers below.

The first to break the silence was Fiona, “You’re not too into this party, are you?”

He was quiet for a while before answering, “Honestly? Not really. I mean, College Rhys would be down there having a blast but Grown Up Rhys would kind of rather know more than four people here. One of which left, one downright having a heart attack in the corner and two… okay, well, LoaderBot and Gortys seem to be having fun actually. Good for them.”

“Sorry…” Fiona mumbled, her turn to apologize, “Yvette said you liked big parties like this. Guess she didn’t take into account you’re about to be buried not married. Because you’re old. Ole Grandpa Rhysie, just wants to sit on his rocking chair and eat oatmeal.”

He flinched at the nickname, “Wow, okay, first of all you’re older than me. So if I’m Grandpa Rhys you’re Great-Great-Grandma Fiona.”

“Why are there two Greats, jackass?”

“Because you’re two years older than me.”

“The ‘Grand’ is already a generation.”

“Yeah and I’m adding two. Clearly you’re suffering from early onset dementia, I’ll find you a good old people home don’t worry. With the tapioca with real… whatever’s in tapioca.”

They laughed so loud they were almost surprised they couldn’t be heard over the pounding music.

“Okay, Grandpa, want to just get out of here? I honestly don’t think Vaughn will care if we crash his bachelor party instead. It’s just like four people anyways. Maybe five if that’s where Athena decided to run off to.”

“Absolutely, I’ve got an extra shirt in my car too if you don’t want to be wearing… well more like if you want to be wearing anything,” he said, gesturing at her skimpy outfit.

“What? Are you scared I’ll steal away your fiancee?”

“Nah, if fifteen years of friendship has taught me anything Vaughn is wholly incapable of finding literally any woman on the planet attractive. Besides, who’s into GMILFs, Grandma?”

“Okay let’s leave before I decide to throw you over the railing.”

\---

“Alright, who called for the Commando going Commando?!” Axton yelled loudly, ignoring the slightly disgusted look from Janey who was less than happy to have a screaming half naked man suddenly being in her vicinity.

His outfit was ridiculous, mainly consisting of his old DAHL dog tags, combat boots and cameo booty shorts with his own name misspelled as “Asston” bejeweled on them. Maya had laughed him out of the room when he’d asked her to help make them but Gaige had been more than willing, albeit disappointed she wasn’t allowed to come along.

Yvette smiled, feigning innocence despite the fact they already she’d hired him, “Well, what do we have here?”

“A gift for the bachelor who I am going to assume is you,” Axton said, swinging a leg over a slightly bewildered Vaughn, “Considering I know the other guy ‘cause I get drunk here sometimes.”

August smirked, “Oh, okay, so this is gonna be like any other visit from you. Except someone’s actually paying you this time and you’re not traumatizing one of my fuckin’ paying customers. Speaking of payin’, you owe me a lot.”

The fact Vaughn did look incredibly uncomfortable was not lost on August. Perhaps in another universe, maybe even one overseen by the same feline-named entity that created this one, he would be more than happy to be pinned by Axton but in this particular one he was about to get married. So he was not so into this.

Axton promptly ignored them both though, “Let’s get this party started!”

As if on cue, the front door swung open again, revealing that Rhys and Fiona had easily caught up to Athena as well as another assassin having latched onto their group in what can only be assumed was a desperate bid to escape the party that was such hell to them.

“Oh come on, did you have to bring Zer0?” Axton whined, still pinning a red-faced Vaughn to a chair.

A bright “EW” lit up Zer0’s helmet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ironically I'd decided Axton would be the stripper long before he hit it off with Vaughn in "An Alien Concept."
> 
> Also maybe I made a "commando going commando" joke already in "Ropeburn."
> 
> My work is a never ending Ouroboros of self reference.


	6. Epilogue: Making Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding's over and Yvette's got Fiona alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! Finally! Definitely not writing any other fanfics with wedding planning in them, holy shit.
> 
> Plus this finally leaves an opening for another long fanfic to start but I'm not sure what'll take its place. Far too many of my fic ideas are Borderlands so it'll probably still be here but just not sure what pairing

Fiona and Yvette wandered down the abandoned hallway branching off the main Atlas building, still wearing their groomsmaid dresses as they ditched the afterparty. They’d already watched the boys cut the cake and eaten said cake, they weren’t exactly keen on dancing so why hang around?

Yvette broke the silence, “So, I think after the past twenty-four hours I’ll have had enough weird crap for the rest of my life.”

“Yeah, honestly I think I’m a different woman after seeing some of that shit last night. I mean. Axton got nearly everyone to at least try to give someone a lap dance. He’s… weirdly persuasive.”

“It’s those puppy dog eyes,” Yvette nodded, “Vaughn can pull the same shit when he wants to. Axton’s just militarized them. Literally.”

“That side oh he was definitely pulling the same shit as Axton alright. He was maybe a little too excited to take his shirt off. Was he like that up on Helios?”

“No that is definitely something Pandoran living brought out in him,” Yvette denied, “Like, I lived with him for years and never saw him in ANY degree of undress.”

“Welp. That changed last night.”

“Oh believe me, I know. Got a video of him on Rhys and everything. Makes up for the fact they were apparently banging under the same roof as me without my knowledge for a long ass time.”

“He certainly didn’t like it when Axton managed to convince Zer0 to join in. If you can call that jerky mockery of a lap dance ‘joining in.’ Rhys was pretty ecstatic though. I guess that billion they requested was mostly ‘take off helmet’ money.”

“Yeah,” Fiona nodded, “Although I really wanted to have seen under literally any part of their suit. Not a billion dollars worth of want though. They wore that damn thing under their groomsmaid dress too.”

She realized where she’d instinctively wandered to in the massive Atlas building, shooting Fiona a wink, “The lap dance you gave me wasn’t that bad either. Not to mention that happy coincidence of that outfit you had on under Rhys’s shirt. Or maybe it wasn’t such a coincidence?”

It wasn’t a coincidence, although intended for Athena, not Yvette. Fiona’d take what she could get though, smiling over at her, “Maybe not.”

“Well, in that case, how about we desecrate a certain CEO’s office?” she said, nodding at the door as they passed it.

Fiona paused immediately, giving her companion a nice, long, slow up and down. She looked down the hallway and could still see the some of the people dancing, including Rhys awkwardly pulling Vaughn around in some sad imitation of dancing.

Looking back at Yvette she smiled, “I think I’ll take you up on that offer.”

She smiled back, pumping a fist behind Fiona’s back as they disappeared into Rhys’s office.

\---

Rhys remained blissfully unaware of what had gone on in there when Monday rolled around. Does Pandora have Mondays? I don’t know, whatever their equivalent is.

Either way he was leaning comfortably back into his office chair, eyeing Vaughn who really had no reason to be in his office but was certainly making excuses to. Not that the worker bees had really expected to see him anywhere BUT hovering around Rhys so soon after the wedding.

Vaughn felt eyes following him, confirmed as he looked over his shoulder, “You got some weird accountant fetish or something? Because, wow, I didn’t know I could be so seductive just sorting files. Should I do that more often?”

“I’ve got some files you can sort,” Rhys said gesturing at his lap with a smile, apparently proud at having officially coming up with the worst pick up line in Pandoran history.

Despite the lack of finesse Vaughn obliged, sauntering over and obediently climbing onto Rhys’s lap, “That the best you’ve got, really?”

“Oh, I’ve got better,” he smirked, grabbing at the drawer behind his now husband. However, he was cut short as he felt something out of place. Distracted, he pulled at the cloth until he could get a look at it.

He yelped and jumped up, accidentally dumping Vaughn on the ground as he realized he was holding a pair of white panties, adorned with a golden bow. A note was dangling off it. He recognized the tightly curled handwriting immediately, not even needing to read it to know whose it was.

‘Told you I was gonna bang her. -Yvette’

Rhys dropped the presumably uncleaned underwear to the ground with a noise of disgust.

Vaughn picked them up to read the note before looking up at Rhys as a terrible smile started curling across his face.

“Want me to wear them?”

“Vaughn! Oh my god, bro, why are you the way you are?!”

“I’m not hearing a ‘no’.”


End file.
